jcm’s blog

Photo: Jon Masters, At the Old North Bridge, in Concord, MA.

So today marks a year to the day since I boarded my modern day London Packet and set sail for the New World, hoping things would work out for the best.

It’s been a fascinating experience, one that has taught me more about myself than I ever fully knew before, and I would certainly wholeheartedly recommend it. This time last year, I was en route to Raleigh with only two suitcases (the remaining belongings having been transported by ship) for an orientation session, followed shortly thereafter by frantic househunting and other related activities.

Since moving, I have:

* Published my first full book, and written another book too
* Taken over a variety of Linux related software projects
* Worked on various bits of Red Hat Enterprise Linux 5
* Made some new friends, kept in touch with others
* Fallen in love, and been heartbroken
* Passed a driving test
* Bought a car
* Joined a gym
* Learned to sail
* Taken up climbing again
* Lost nearly 50lbs
* taken up the violin again
and a lot, lot more.

Perhaps the most significant thing that happened this year was falling in love. She changed my life, and then upset me more than anything has ever before upset me in my life. Because of her I lost 40lbs in a couple of months, spent an afternoon alone in the middle of the Mojave desert, and much more. For months, I couldn’t bare to open the book I had dedicated to her without being upset. I was upset because I was never given a reason, and couldn’t understand what I had done but love her. It wasn’t great for a while.

But, I did finally get over her, got myself in shape, got a driver’s license, bought a car, and even rediscovered the violin. I have driven many many thousands of miles (first oil change occurred within a month of getting the car) and I have grown to love Massachusetts and the East Coast on the same kind of level that I love California and the West Coast. I’ve even taken to more than occasional morning constitutional strolls beside the Atlantic ocean (sometimes before sunrise), contemplating the meaning of life.

I’ve decided to stay here for the foreseeable future. There’s really nothing that interests me about living in the UK (and many things - such as the Monarchy and government - that don’t), although I could live in Europe or have a house in central(ish) London without really being too upset about it. The US has more than its fair share of problems, but it is a great country, and one that I am happy and privileged to call home.

Jon.

Photo: Jon Masters, at Nauset Beach.

So today, I needed to get out of town and drive aimlessly for a long time, anywhere. I headed out to the Cape, to Nauset Beach, and investigated surfing in between pining quietly to myself on the sand.

I had originally planned to go to Whitecrest beach this weekend, but as it turned out, I wasn’t able to leave the apartment until later today, so I decided to head somewhere more predictable - somewhere people have heard of and that is actually on the map (and known to my GPS). Nauset beach has reasonable surf, generally, so it seemed to suffice.

Arriving late in the afternoon (not that I cared particularly, I went more for the need to go drive 300 miles of aimless roundtrip on an afternoon than caring when I got there, or where I went), the surf conditions were pretty crappy, and I was struck with two minor complications - the surf rental shop, which is in town (and nowhere within walking distance of the beach) closes early, and buying a board proved to be a $300-$500 affair. If I had bought a board, getting it home would have been interesting…my car has no capability to haul a large surf board. I love that car, but it’s completely impractical

I eventually decided that, I at least know where to go and how to get a board for another weekend, and they also offer lessons (I could do with improvement). Buying a full size board isn’t practical unless I can guarantee the weather so much so that I risk having the top down all day, board on the passenger seat - which would have worked today, but generally, you can’t guarantee New England weather on that level. I will instead get some rentals, and buy myself a small board that I can fit (somewhere, and somehow) into the car, without ripping the seats. The wetsuit remained a drysuit.

Since surfing didn’t work out quite as planned, I instead lay on the beach for a couple of hours, staring at the sky (in between writing in the sand), and continuing my ongoing theme of ponderance - on the topic of “why”. At one point, one of those aerial advertising banners flew over. It reminded me of a time when I called an aerial advertising company about flying a banner, with a special message, for a special someone, who’s no longer around. It’s funny how almost anything is enough to set off a train of memories.

Jon.

Photo: Jon Masters, at the beach.

So I happened to wake up soon after 4am (not too unusual these days) and headed out to the beach around 5am this morning, for a quiet stroll. I can get down to Nantasket in around 45 minutes now, depending upon traffic - though of course, getting back into town on I-93 is fun if you leave after around 8am, which is another reason to go early.

I lay there for a while, watching the sunrise, ocean sounds in the distance. Very peaceful. Reminded me of lying on a beach in Ventura. I think I need to do this way more often. While I was on the beach, I chatted with a local surfing dude, who recommended that I head to Whitecrest this weekend. I’m thinking that’s a good idea - it almost meets the qualification I’m looking for. Not quite the middle of nowhere, but it’ll likely do for this weekend.

Jon.

P.S. No photos today. Due to what appears to be a bug in the Mac OS X driver for a crappy external card reader I happened to be using, all of the photos were automatically trashed when I inserted the card (the first FAT was corrupted, which was then obviously replaced with the backup, and fsck.msdos was subsequently unable to correct it…great).

Photo: Part of my permanent tattoo.

Since I’m in a mood to try to explain how I feel, I thought I’d share a fun game that you too can play along with at home. Go into any bookstore, pick my latest book off the shelf, and take a look at the dedication. Then, try the same thing in the next bookstore you happen to find yourself in. Repeat until nauseous.

Yep, the Barnes and Noble on Comm. Ave also stock my book (as do all of the Borders I happen to find myself in on the average week), as I discovered yesterday when trying to Not. Think. About. It. That book has really become a source of such mixed emotion for me. On the one hand, I’m absolutely proud that I managed to achieve writing a 500 page book, at the same time as planning my move across the Atlantic, and holding down a demanding (fun) job. But on the other hand, every time I see that book, I am almost moved to tears (and have been, on occasion).

For several months, right after it was published, I couldn’t even bring myself to open it. At all. This is largely why I’ve not engaged in any active promotion - I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. It’s been *that* painful for me, that something I spent months of my life working on really can only cause me to become upset at this point. And that in itself is extremely upsetting. I keep a copy in the office - in a closet - and one on my bookshelf at home, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to read beyond the first pages really, since about March.

They say “never get a tattoo of a girlfriend”. I learned this lesson the hard way, and now, it’s printed and happily sitting on around 20,000 bookshelves around the world, as a permanent reminder of what might have been but never was. I meant every word of what I wrote, and I (again, I guess, somewhat unfortunately) think I still do now. Ever wonder what it’s like to meet someone who rocks your world so fundamentally that you have trouble sleeping at night, and need to completely re-invent yourself just to even remotely get over them?

I guess it’s a healthy part of the healing process to finally admit to myself that I’m not over her, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Brave New Jon was initially some kind of giant effort to turn myself into the person I know I always could have been - the kind who now looks back with regret at my naive actions - but that new Jon is now realizing that my initial goal will never be realized. I’m never going to be with her, no matter how much I give of myself, no matter what I do. I know that. She deserved better, she deserves to be happy - and in spite of how she’s (unintentionally) made me feel for months, I wish her only the best. The most upsetting thing of all, really, is that I still (deep down) care so much for that girl that I would rather she be happy without me, as is obviously the case, than be truly happy myself.

Getting over her (or not) has cost me thousands of dollars, a lot of time spent in remote places (for example, sitting in the middle of the Mojave desert one Sunday afternoon), and has radically reshaped me (largely for the better). I would never have done those things that I have without some kind of impetus. I’d never have learned to drive and bought my “midlife crisis car” (my Miata MX5) without a strong desire to go on random roadtrips (a shared interest we had), I’d never have gone on a crazy “Californian” diet and fitness regime without such a wonderful self-created feeling of physical inadequacy and imperfection (I never officially got this as a reason), and I would never have engaged in such a level of introspection as I have, were it not all for her. Why do you think I originally learned to surf (which, I found, I actually quite enjoy - hence the “East Coast” wetsuit I have in my closet now), and why I covered so many thousands of miles of California on so many roadtrips? I wanted to understand her viewpoint, I wanted to understand “why”. She was both the best, and also the most painful, thing that has ever happened to me.

I’ve taken a couple of days of vacation this week. Partly because of the fact that I’ve had flu-like symptoms for a few days (though I am feeling somewhat better now) and in part so I can get up at a crack of dawn and go watch the sunrise, as I lie on the beach and pine quietly to myself. I love living in the United States, and I love my job - I really do - but there’s a part of me that feels a tremendous emptiness, the kind that can really only be filled by a special someone. She was that special someone, at least in my mind, and although I am willing to try again, I just don’t know if I’ll ever again find someone who makes me feel like she did.

I know, this blog seems particularly depressing tonight - and I’m sorry about that - I just thought I might, for once, share a story of how I really feel inside. There’s no need to email me, or call me about it, it won’t change the reality of the situation. Don’t worry, happy Jon will return tomorrow

Jon.

Photo: 5 black bags filled with clothes, donated to the Salvation Army.

So today, I donated 5 black bags filled with clothes to the Salvation Army in Cambridge. They can make more use of XL/XXL sizes than I can. I’ve also been remodeling my apartment recently, and have a few photos of where things are headed - I still think it’s a little bland in places.

Photo: What’s in your closet?

I now only own size medium (and a few size large that are small enough to get away with) t-shirts, shirts, and a wetsuit. I also have only size 30 jeans, trousers, and other clothing. In short, I’m not nearly as fat as I used to be back in March, when this project first started. There’s more to go, but there’s always more to be done, when it comes to diets.

Photo: An anthropologie of apartment ornamentation.

A visit to Ikea here, and a visit to Anthropologie there, and I have a few accents for the apartment - a little augmentation in the ornamentation. Once I have some giant photos of my family in Europe, I’ll add one or two more picture frames.

I’ve started playing with my B4 XO, but not much progress yet.

Jon.

So, three months on, project Brave New Jon enters phase two. What started as a means to pine over an ex-girlfriend changed into a self re-invention exercise, and now that I feel I’m well and truly over her, it’s time for this project to change again. Now, it’s all about making myself a better person, and not about anyone else.

I’ve decided to keep my modified diet going. I really quite like the veggie thing, and although I’m not likely to become a vegan (read: I like my non-soy lattes), I don’t really feel any pressing need to start eating carb. heavy foods, seafood, and all that stuff. I’m not opposed to having an occasional sushi dinner, or a visit to Legal Sea Foods, but there’s no desperate urge to do that either. I haven’t eaten any bread, cheese, fish, or even potatoes in over three months - my diet is largely a Californian fruit and nut diet, complete with protein-rich smoothies. I am not opposed to carbohydrates in general, but they’ll get re-introduced gradually, and really only when I’m out at dinner with friends, and so on. I have much more energy than I ever did before.

My daily regimen now includes a visit to the gym, a lot of walking, running, or other physical activity. I am trying to go down to the gym when it opens in the mornings, or in the evenings, and I might even get to the two-a-day ideal at some point in the future. I’ve decided I’m sticking around the 30/30 jean size now and I’m not desperate to change that. It’s a nice round number. There’s a strong need for further toning…and that’s simply got to happen this summer. I am spending at least 20 minutes a day on weight machines, and I will try to increase that, and my other upper body building activities. I want to try being much more physically fit and healthy than before.

I can probably stop buying so many new clothes all the time now. I went down to the Banana Republic outlet in Wrentham, MA, bought a couple of new pairs of jeans and other random crap, with the goal of rebuilding my wardrobe properly. I definitely enjoyed being able to go down there and not have to buy that stuff on Newbury St. or in the Galleria - Banana Republic get enough out of me as it is, and the price difference between retail and outlet is almost obscene Of course, the new Jon also admits to frequenting a bathroom outlet store and buying a toilet lid cover for asthetics too. I’m trying to turn this apartment into something more than a “geek” pad…something more respectible. I still need to affix additional picture hooks…and hang these giant photos…it just needs some planning, in order to avoid damaging the walls.

Buying a car was a really useful thing to do. I have driven several thousand miles in the last couple of weeks, in two different countries, and many different States and Provinces. I will try to do a lot more hiking, climbing, and other activies that were previously much harder to get involved with. I can also now more reliably be in the office during the week, which is useful.

Jon.

So today I went a little nuts and played with extreme agendas as a means to self distraction. If I give myself enough to do for the next 3-6 months then I won’t physically have the time to pine very much. Besides, I would rather spend my time working, reading, and making myself a better person than on having my heart ripped out of my chest again (aka “dating”).

To start the day, I lined up a bunch more articles - on everything from Asterisk configuration to Internationalization and Localization, talked to a couple of publishers about forthcoming book projects (don’t worry, O’Reilly is where it’s at, at the moment - I need to get BELS finished) - and after I’d spent an hour on that stuff, lined up a few speaking engagements before having breakfast at Logan. After that, I spent the day on seriously hardcore shit (tracking down ABI breaks in earnest - don’t even bother wondering what that means). I did a lot more instead of sleeping last night, but I’ll talk about that another time. The point is, dreaming right now is evil and must be avoided.

Tonight, I’m planning a little sleep, then a random drive ahead of looking at cars tomorrow. I nearly booked a random trip to the middle of nowhere (instead, I just listened to a bunch of depressing music during my workout and then played a bunch more on the violin when I got home…now listening to Stainer’s Crucifixion too), but stopped myself in time and instead will get some things done. I need to get a couple of chapters finished this weekend before OLS. Also need to play around with overlay filesystems, and a bunch of other mumbo jumbo you probably don’t care enough about to read about it here.

On the craziness front, I have decided to do a trans-continental road trip from Boston to San Francisco. I am debating whether to do this in August, September, or next year (and factoring in available vacation). I’m going to go for the nutty option of driving solidly for days in a row and try to go there and back within 10 days. I’m seriously interested in hearing from anyone who wants to be a travel buddy on that one.

Jon.