State of happiness

So I came to a realization while I was over on the Best Coast. After a year of trying to distract myself in every conceivable fashion, I’m still not over Karin, and I won’t feel any better about it any time soon.

I’ve decided to finally give up on dating and meeting people. It’s consumed vast amounts of my spare time over the past year and it’s only really resulted in more pain. Everyone I meet is compared with her (whether I mean to or not), I’m (very) briefly happy, and then when it doesn’t work out a large part of me breathes a sigh of relief. I dislike sleeping these days, because it only serves to give time to thinking about her at length. And if a day does go past when I don’t happen to think of her, well, then it’s much worse the next time.

And that’s largely how it is, unfortunately. Flights, long drives, long lonely hikes, and countless other activities, are all great times to think about how much I really miss her, how much nobody else is going to change that, and how little I can do about it. So I finally resigned myself to just give up on trying and try to focus on other things in life. As we noted over dinner last night, I’m freeing myself of vices one by one. I don’t smoke, don’t really drink, don’t eat meat, don’t drink caffeine, mostly consume fruits and vegetables, and drink soymilk. I’ve also lost over 55lbs now since last year, and am a completely different person than I was before she left. That’s not to say I wouldn’t trade everything to see her smile one more time, but that’s not how life works out.

Anyway. I don’t like to sound depressing. I had a reasonably relaxing Memorial Day weekend, followed by a hike up Wildcat Mountain yesterday, and got to see Andrew and Emilie (yay). This week is mostly filled with work, writing, gym, and fruit, but over the weekend I shall be spending one of the days down on the cape, and hope to go surfing for the first time this season.



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